I’m tired of all these expectations coming from my parents, family, and friends. It gives me a lot of pressure to try and achieve those expectations and things like that.
“You should be like this.”
“I hope to be as successful as you someday.”
“You can be anything.”
“Can you teach me this?”
“I think, you’re going to be -“.
“Papasa to si Rox. You’re gonna pass.”
“You’re going to graduate with flying colors.”
“You’d end up working in a big company.”
“You’re good at this so I’d let you do it.”
“Mag law school ka, Rox. I want you to go to law school. You’re going to be a lawyer.”
“Kaya mo yan ikaw pa.”
Instead of uplifting me, I actually get intimidated. It’s been suffocating me. Everytime I get compliments and hear about them, I have this tendency to be quiet, and keep them to myself, and ignore and forget about it. I never really brag them off nor let anyone know. I’d start to think about ‘what if I fail the next time?’ or ‘what if I can’t do it?’. I never really wanted them. I never wanted to be noticed. All those ‘congrats’ make me feel more and more of a coward. Because from thereon, I try and start to live up to their expectations and if ever I fail, people would judge.
All those pressures get me intimidated from time to time. For the first time in my life, I wish that I have never did well during my younger days in school because from there my parents knew that I had the ‘potential’. Many people that I’ve met are oblivious to this apprehension of mine. If possible, I never ever want to fail and break someone’s trust and confidence in me especially that of my parents’ and family’s. If I make mistakes and let them down, I’d blame myself and sulk about it for a long, long time. For some cases, I never get over with nor recover from them.
I wish I could just crawl into my bed and stay there all day. I just wish to myself that it’s better to disappear. Even for a moment because I really hate this; I really hate that feeling of letting someone down. Please understand that I’m human too and I make mistakes and I can’t fulfill every expectations you have in store for me. I wish it would all just stop. I can’t do this. I can’t do it. I don’t need those chronic reminders of what I ought to do; I’ve memorized them. Can I not be at rest anymore? Can I no longer be carefree? Can I not do YOLO?