These days, I often find myself left wondering if there was any love involved with that sort of relationship at all.
If there was any love at all…
I doubt it.
Perhaps, at some point, my feelings grew into something much, much deeper. Something… unexplainable. But I felt feels. I felt the excitement, the arousal, and the care. As he is the first guy who noticed me and took interest in me and who dared to go as far as fetching me from the office, I experienced feels which were brand new to me – feelings which were relatively unfamiliar. It was the first time I blushed ever so much in my life when I received the first chocolate I got from a guy. We became close and others could already mistake us as an item when we went out on “dates” but we didn’t really label our relationship as “official” boyfriend-girlfriend. One thing just lacked in the relationship – that is, the blessing from my parents. I swear to myself that I fervently pray and hope for a long one, and that before I enter into a serious relationship, I get the support and love from my parents and friends. My parents opinion and disapproval of him was what actually held me back from fully taking interest in what could have been a meaningful relationship.
My parents are too protective of me and are quite conservative. To be frank, I got quite vexed seeing how I wasn’t given the chance to continue our relationship. They gave me incessant love advises, warnings and lectures which I already knew. I know myself as quite a shrewd person; I distrusted charms and easy compliments seeing as how I’m not used to receiving compliments myself. But I wouldn’t have given this a chance if I hadn’t seen through his efforts and persistence. I liked how I learned to gradually open up and trust my problems to him and eventually, I liked how I shared my life with him.
So, our relationship went on – discreetly. I told him about my parents and he told me that he was willing to wait. Even so, I wanted to know if risking my parent’s trust for him would be worth it. All those times, I felt horrible and guilty. His invites, I hindered but I still took chances. All those times, two sides of me kept pulling and tearing me apart. To think straight was the least I could do. All those times, I didn’t know what to do. I was confused that even talking it out to my friends and siblings weren’t enough to make me do what I was ought to do. My heart just kept overriding my brain and my feelings have clouded my vision. But during those times when we hung out, I realized how I felt unhappy. I realized how this relationship isn’t going to last. And that I couldn’t continue to love this person eternally if inside me were full of doubts. The numerous lectures, opinions, warnings, and side comments from my parents, which I tried to push away from the back of my mind, have been withholding me. It was unfair to me and it was unfair to the guy. So, gradually, I gave him hints – hints which were indirect – that I no longer was interested in his friendship. I no longer replied to his texts. I was supposed to break off all communication but after a week, he then called, and I answered it. He told me if it was okay for me to meet him up and I said okay. Painful as it was, I mustered up all of my courage up to the point of even rehearsing what I should say to him infront of a mirror. They say that I’ve to say it personally if we’ve gone out for a month already. But during our last “date” – the last time I saw him in real life – I wasn’t able to say it to him for I couldn’t find the right time. Since I couldn’t do it directly, I just acted how I wasn’t into it that whole evening even when I missed him so! I felt so bad for my actions and I felt so bad for mistreating him, too. The next day, he texted me again but this time, I stood my ground and so I didn’t reply to him the way I used to. I just left him hanging and wondering. It has been three weeks since then and up to this date, we never heard from one another ever again.
From time to time, to be honest, I do miss him. I liked how he tried to break me out of my shell and make a better person out of me. I liked how he believed in me during those times when I didn’t believe in myself. I liked his continued support. And up to this day, I still wonder how he’s doing. I carry him inside of me, like a bowl of emptiness. There is nothing to fill it, only unanswered questions. There are times that whenever my phone rings, I’m continually hoping that it’d be his name that would appear on my screen. There are times when I hope that fate wouldn’t be too cruel to let me see him once again and talk to him – just as how it brought the two of us together. Since then, my everydays were lonely, painful, and brutal. I was always down tho I didn’t let others see it. How I longed for his company! I tried to resort to other things to make me pre-occupied yet of to no avail. My mother comforted me and told me that the choice I made was right. But no matter what she said, I still felt remorseful. I just didn’t see the light of my day anymore.
Things changed when I got acquainted with this book by Bob Garon entitled Intimate Letters of Young Lovers. I bought it in National Bookstore last week for not it was discounted, but I thought that it could easily teach me about love complexities. I skimmed the book and one letter immediately caught my eye. It was as if he was speaking in behalf of the guy I met. A lot of people wrote letters to Sir Bob about love problems, and he would respond in an unbiased manner, giving his readers objective advises. After reading the book, I found out how my problem was so belittling compared to what others have experienced: incest, child abuse, teenage pregnancy, premarital sex, marital infidelity, abortion, divorce, the presence of mistresses, and long distance relationships. But it was through the problems they shared, dilemma they are caught up in between – in this case, whether to fight for the relationship or not – and how they should act accordingly to be able to stand up again after those failed relationships that I was able to think things through again. I empathized with some of the letter senders and found myself in a similar situation except that theirs are worse than mine. I was enlightened only after the author managed to give objective and witty advises.
I learned to be skeptical. I was convinced how in the long term, if ever we pushed through with this relationship, it wouldn’t last long, there’s no solid foundation, many would object – eventually, love would die.
I realized how this young love is oftentimes regarded as immature and shallow.
Did he love me? I ask again.
It is in this stage that love is tested. Maybe I was just a girl whom he turned to for comfort, or… to feed his ego, or both, or… something else… something even worse. Maybe there was no love at all. Maybe he was honest when he said he liked me but like I said, I distrust charms and easy compliments. Maybe he really grew to like me after some time. I really can’t tell for sure for he didn’t say he loved me or anything. And up to this day, it remains unproven. Unanswered. Left hanging. And will remain like that forever.
Was the feeling mutual? A profitless question!
Did I love him?
As for me, I really can’t say, as well. Maybe I was just new to this sort of committed boy-girl relationship that I mustn’t have realized how I’d have to set my own standards and grounds in looking for a potential partner before recklessly entering into the said relationship. Why should this amazing madness happen to me? This is silly. A part of me might have been willing to readily accept him except that I was powerless; I gave myself in and conformed to the society’s standards and judgement. I wasn’t able to fight against their judgement. They won! I lost.
Nothing can be regained from this. All has come to an end. Both parties became unvictorious. We both weren’t that vigilant. I gave him up and he did as well. But what’s even more depressing is how my feelings never really fully reached him. He doesn’t know for I didn’t show him. A first love which is unfortunate and regrettable.
But I know that someday, somehow, time will heal this wound.
Time will make us move on.
Sooner or later, he would forever be a long gone memory.
A love which never worked out.
A love story which didn’t have a happy ending.
Young lovers who didn’t live a happily ever after.
Young lovers who came out to be miserable in the end.
An almost-love relationship.
Bearing that in mind, we just weren’t meant to be.
Even if we couldn’t be together in the end, I’m glad that he became a part of my life. He will always have a special place inside my heart, and at the back of my head.
Maybe from this experience, either I become more confident and prepared for a relationship anew or I become more frightened for a possible failure again. Idk. Right now, having a boyfriend is the least of my problems. Why should this ludicrous madnesses happen to one? Why should the heart feel? Why is there such a thing as falling in love? This is silly! Maybe, I’m better off to become a nun, or an old maid in the future. Jk! I do dream of having my own family and raising children. Oh how I would love my first child to be a baby boy! Okay, I’m getting a bit carried away now…