So, it’s been three days since I last took my last exam in college. And, to be honest, I’m already bored… Even though I have the time all to myself now, I keep on squandering my time on pretty much watching random videos on Youtube – not very fulfilling if you ask me.
There’s a line in a song by Bangtan Sonyeondan (Bulletproof Boy Scouts or BTS) for their second album trailer in which I’d like to quote. It actually really hit me when I first heard it at that time because I’m afraid I’ll never be able to do what I want to do because I’m not confident enough and then it’ll be too late. In the future, I’ve never actually voiced it out anywhere to anyone as I’m not confident to make this dream realized, but, this is me confessing that I really want to be a CFA-musician-writer-artist. Now that’s a lot but it has been a dream of mine since I last remember. I also wanted to be a lawyer at one point, but I dropped that off the list already, and hmm a historian(?) and a game developer and a president or a politician, but considering that I’ve low self esteem and things like that, let’s make it a bit more realistic.
Everything you do now, is the person you’d become in the future.
This isn’t what I hope for my future. I thought that being a bum and all would make me the happiest person there is but there’s just something inside me telling me that there’s something missing – like all throughout my entire life, I’ve been a student for 18 years, and I’ve been living a monotonous routine of waking up, going to class, studying, doing homeworks, more studying, meeting the same people in class, catching up with deadlines, being stressed out in academics in general. I realized that, now, as I gradually await my graduation next month in October – well, hoping that I don’t fail any subjects – there’s nothing pushing from the behind, there’s no motivation, there’s no inner someone telling me to do this, and that first. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like the idea of having the time all to myself now, but I just miss that feeling of getting stressed out over something, of trying to catch up with something, that something which makes me keep going, and challenged everyday. Now, I keep thinking, where do I invest my time to at the moment? And have I been investing it correctly? Should I be studying and preparing for the CFA exam? Should I be applying to companies now? Or should I just enjoy the moment and relax for a little bit? But having all these free time all to myself, I just spend my time watching kpop idol videos, and anime, to be exact – a habit which I rather found… unfulfilling and displeasing. Yet, ironic how I’ve made a lot of mental plans this September… Plans which are somehow contingent and correlated with one another – like if this plan doesn’t happen first, then I can’t start with the other plans yet. Right now, I’m just waiting for the ‘go signal’ from my parents. Yup. My parents are the sole contributor in helping me achieve my current dreams.
And I think, I never thought that I’d say this, but, I miss school! And I miss studying. I think studying is the only real thing I’m good at… I used to study all the time at one point – that was when I was in 2nd year in college – when I became the class nerd! I remember doing advance readings on all of the subjects for the week, reviewing the discussions taken in class as soon as I get home from school, studying past lessons and chapters of the book even after a quiz, and pulling an all nighter for exams and term papers making sure that I finish everything before going to school! But because of reasons, I started to didn’t study all the time after that. Anyways, I just don’t know how things would turn out when I step outside and join the ”real world” as soon as I graduate from college with a bachelor’s degree in finance. Rather, I wonder whether I’d actually be successful and happy with my chosen field to practice in the corporate world.
Not only do I miss school… but…
I also already miss my friends in college! We’ve been chatting in FB and asking each other how our vacation’s actually turning out. They’re actually enjoying their solo time for themselves. I hope that I feel just the same. But nada. I don’t. I’ve made a lot of plans for this one month vacation.
But they all still remain as plans.
Pretty much, my vacation right now can be summed up in a phrase or two: I hate doing nothing. And I hate having nothing productive to do!
Anyways, I should go to sleep now. I think it’s already past midnight. I should take some rest and sleep because I didn’t get to sleep comfortably in the bus during that 8-hour trek ride from Manila to my hometown. I was feeling tired and sleepy all throughout the entire day, but I just played random games in the computer with my sisters the moment we got here. We’d be spending their term break for 4 days here and go back to Manila again soon.
BTW, my birthday’s in a few days – or rather, it’s tomorrow since it’s technically September 1st now. I’m to celebrate my 20th with my parents and younger sibs. Yay TuT jkjk XD. Of course, I’m happy to celebrate my birthday with my parents and they are, too, considering that all of my siblings and I are all already in college and mom and dad are left here. It feels good to be with them again. But I also want to celebrate it with other people (may it be or not be in the influence of alcohol but it’s better if there is and some TUGSTUGS loljk) – not relatives – but friends/ college blockmates since c’mon it’s my 20th. I officially become a young adult! A twenteen. But yeah, none of my high school friends actually know that I got back here. Might surprise them and meet with them. Yay!! Lol though, one of them already sent me an advance greeting in chat, so we chatted for a few more minutes, and I was so sad to hear the bad news. She wasn’t sure if she’d be available at that time cuz her school’s not trimestral and hence, not yet on vacation, and especially now that she’d be having her defense next week. :( I cry… TuT Huhuhu XD (I just noticed that this girl… I don’t remember the last day since we last saw each other..? -.o)