College · Love · My Everydays

愛は複雑である


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Just called mom on the phone and talked about my boylalu problems. I’ve been very open about the topic with my friends. They’ve been giving me advices like how I shouldn’t trust the guy very quickly and all cuz idk, gradually, my feelings for him are starting to get genuine. And I’m going crazy! Throughout the entire day, I can’t help but think about him. There’s not a single day when I don’t think about him! Huhuhu.

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So I slept over my friend’s house yesterday! And told them how our current status was doing. Yes, I told them how I put him in the ‘friend-zone’ when we last went out for lunch. Told him that I wasn’t ready to commit, that my parents are strict, that I can’t see myself in a relationship right now, etc etc. But really, I wanted to be friends because I was afraid of being official. I was afraid on being in a relationship. I couldn’t imagine myself being in one. And if ever we come to a point that we enter that much deeper stage, I’m afraid on how others will react. I didn’t want him to expect that things would go down onto a much deeper level. So I told him cuz I wouldn’t wanna lead him on any further. Yeah, it hurt. Everyday, I’ve been having this heavy feeling on my chest. I was always thinking to myself whether I did the right thing, whether pushing him off was the right choice. Cuz I miss it. I miss that feeling of getting excited with the late night calls, the text messages I receive, the love and attention I get, the hours I’ve spent time with him. Even if I’m a super busy person right now (Yes, I’m a graduating student, and busy with thesis, majors, presentation, school), I still make sure that I adjust my schedule whenever he calls me up and invite me with to a ‘gala‘.

So yeah.

Just after our thesis meeting with our advisor a while ago, I went home and went to a convenience store, and loaded myself P25, and got unli call. Then went to the condo, locked myself in a room with dog, and called my dad’s number. Asked him when his next visit would be. Originally, I planned to call my old close friend and greet her a late happy birthday, and ask her how things were going. And then call my parents to ask for their permission to meet that ‘suitor’ hahaew. And then if they agreed, I’d call the guy and tell him the good news. But the plan didn’t happen.

I immediately called my dad’s globe number. I’ve been planning to keep things secret but what induced me was that according to my friends, since he’s going to be my ‘first’, I should make things legal (like my parents would know him personally and things like that), and also how I’ve read a friend’s blog about how she’s open to her mom about anything.

So, I had a small talk with dad first, and then looked for mom. I can only be open to mom regarding this matter. Cuz we’ve talked about this topic before. And then yeah. My parents were totally against the guy. Haha I was half crying, half laughing. But she did assure me to get my mind to rule over my heart. My dad even teased me that I was in love, and asked me if I do like the guy. I said my friends asked me the same thing. By like, my friends asked me << >>. Hahaha too private to mention but I told them yes. And told my mom, I do. Told her things that I couldn’t tell my friends, even the littlest of details: how we met in ojt, how we started going out, how we had our morning coffees before work, how we hanged out in malls, his promises, how he wants to meet my friends, his family, our next weekend plans, etc etc.  But because of some matters, (some really private I can’t mention it here. He’s ‘perfect’ in a way (or I’m just biased? or has never had any experience to base what’s nice and whatnot) except that, what my friend says, he likes to rush things and I just wasn’t used to it, and ___ and ___ xD) mom sounded suspicious, so she gave me some advice that made me open my eyes. Even told me things I didn’t wanna hear but was true. I tried to defend him. How it was unfair just because _____ and _____. I knew she was right but I still tried to argue. I know I just couldn’t win over her. She was so reassuring. I kept on saying “but… but!”  My mom and friends were saying the same thing which made me doubt myself, my feelings, and even him. And then…

the call ended LOL. I registered the wrong call & text promo. I thought I was unli call, but then I checked my status and found out that I was unli text, but with only 30 mins call to globe. Huhuhu okay.

Texted dad’s number that my call expired. Dad replied and told me to listen to mom, and etc etc.

I laughed with dad’s last text.

Iyo pwede na mag bf. Iyo.” which meant “Yes you can have a bf. Yeah.”

Cuz I asked him.

“But dad, I can have a bf, right? Not just this guy?” HAHAHA xD (And he also mentioned my grad gift   T^T *I am crying inside*) Thanked dad twice! For the advice and all and etc. And ma, too!

It’s sad yeah cuz things are just going to end this way. I won’t lead him on. Yeah.

Saying ba-bye to late night calls, and the kiligs, and kamusta ka/ araw mo texts.

Moving on… (Ha! I bet I’m going to be single my entire life for sure!)

And just like that.

G1.1

 

My parent’s opinion of him will officially end our relationship. (Cuz even after I ‘friendzoned‘ him, he still doesn’t get the whole picture. Persistent ‘friend’. xD And that’s another thing I don’t like! *mad* Even on our first few hang outs together, I clearly remember telling him that I just want to build a friendship first, but he didn’t want it. The reason why I accepted his first few invites was that I wasn’t thinking about being on any relationship at all, but I was looking for a guy best friend. He wanted to be a lover agad. Kainis! >:(
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Erwell. I can never have a boyfriend if things are like this. Now when? When can I have one? Haha pagkakataon ko na sana magkabf! Joke! Nakakaiyak. Pag andyan na, nasa harapan mo, dun ka naman natatakot. Huhuhu xD Tas yung feeling na sa bawat love song, hahaha naassociate mo love life mo dun sa kanta. Hahaha pero ngayon, wala na ulit. xD Kakaiyak TuT

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-RiaN.

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3 thoughts on “愛は複雑である

  1. Hmmmmm You should have listened to your heart. Now you will agonize over ” What ifs”/ Regrets are as painful as heartbeaks. They will never disappear, because of the ” What ifs”.

    1. Aww thanks. It’s really hard. My parents and friends don’t like him. But I do. Haha. I really thought that things were just going to be easy peasy. He even told his dad and family about me. But I’m backing out without giving him an appropriate final goodbye. Huhu haha xD If circumstances would allow, I’d go for it. But then again, society forbids me to love this man. :(( :))

  2. Dude same tayo. Fam and friends ayaw din eh. As much as you want to protect that person and disregard what other people say, their approval still matter diba. And yun ngang sabi mo na your mom told you things you didn’t wanna hear but was true. It’s like you know at the back of your mind something’s wrong with him but you keep on choosing to ignore it for god knows why! Diba! And then that thing you said about rushing things…I feel yah. But that’s just how life is. Move on! Easier said than done but oh well! <3

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