I’m not feeling well. I can’t explain it. Everything’s a blur right now. There’s one thing I’m sure of, though. This feeling. I’ve had it before. I feel guilty. And it’s gradually eating the inside of me. Devouring its prey. Making sure that I would succumb in despair. It’s starting to get malignant. I can feel my heart sinking. Terribly. I can’t breathe properly. I don’t know why. Moments ago, I didn’t care. I was feeling care free; I was full of bliss. Now, I remorse. And I’m sorry about it. Sincerely sorry. But I just couldn’t bring myself into stop thinking about what I did. It wasn’t that grave, yet it hurts.
Why do I even feel sick inside? It hurts to feel like this. And I don’t like this one bit. I hate it. I wish for it to stop haunting me. I really do. I just feel so down.
Help me wake up from this bad dream, then, and bring me back to reality. Make my unconscious conscious so that I can escape this life long pretense. The seal, so strong, so unbreakable, so powerful, is once again engulfing me, trapping my within. And it’s been recently victorious of locking me up in this jail cell. Reclaiming its throne. Proclaiming himself as king. It breaks my heart to know that this seal is chronically concealing me ever since. The beast inside me whimpering in trepidation from the dangers of the unknown, the unfathomable.
How can I then make that seal vulnerable? I ask and wonder. Make sure I won’t have to hide from it again. Ever. And it is in this moment that I feel myself burst into tears.
P.S. I think I may be suffering from a bipolar disorder.