Musings

My Life and Art.


When I was a kid, I used to be a batang bibo. I would perform infront of any one, infront of any crowd. Ask me to dance, I would dance without any hesitation. Ask me to sing, I would. But when I became a teen, I officially became a wallflower. I used to be a performer but not anymore. I lacked confidence and became self-conscious that I needed now. I tried auditioning for the Harlequin Theater Guild last term and managed to survive their two day workshop, but when the auditions came, I backed out. And that was that. I knew I was an introvert and I didn’t like hanging out in groups. I was socially awkward and I just couldn’t see myself performing infront of everyone in which everybody would stare at me. I wasn’t a performer that I used to be when I was a kid. I realized that I was an artist, and not a dancer. I was a musician, and not a singer.

I was an artist in a sense that I loved drawing and painting. I remember one time when I have become so engrossed into drawing anime characters during my sophomore and junior years in high school that I spent more time drawing them than studying. And it was at that time that I got my first ever line of seven in one of our subjects in my life. It was Chinese. I was so upset that I cried. My mom reprimanded me. She told me things about how it was so hard to earn money so as to send us to a good school. So, I got into reading and studying again. Consequently, I belonged to the class honors. After that, I got contented and felt that I needed to chill and relax and just enjoy life. Instead of doing my homeworks and reviewing for my quizzes, I drew and drew my favorite anime characters every day when I got home. I gave most of them to my friends because they kept on requesting drawings from me. I heeded. And somehow, I got used into having a grade below 80%. I think my passion for drawing has been influenced by my artistic elder sister. When I was seven, I would spend most of my time bonding with my sister and my cousins drawing Pokemon in my sister’s room. I remember comparing my work to my cousins’. I had a better output, I thought. I sort of knew at that time that I somehow have a talent in drawing.  I realized that drawing was what makes me happy. I would have taken architecture as my course or animation or anything related to that using my hands but my mom chose my course for me. She wanted me to be a financial analyst in the future. Since I knew she knew what was best for me. She thought that I would have no future if ever I take architecture. Maybe she was right. Maybe she wasn’t. But right now, I’m beginning to love studying finance considering the fact that I’m also a math person. I’m still contemplating whether I should take up a course related to arts after I graduate with a business degree in college. Perhaps, painting, or filming, or animation would be nice. It was what I was passionate about in my formative years in high school, after all.

I have also been exposed to music when I was ten years old. I was enrolled in a piano and violin class together with my sisters. I was really happy. I remember the first day I learned reading notes, I began playing the piano of my teacher myself. I announced this to my mom after class that I could play the National Anthem. I showed my mom. My teacher knew that I was a fast learner. I always practiced what I learned in school when I got back home. My dad was proud of me, I could tell because he let me play songs for him on Sundays while he rested in his rocking chair in our living room. We stopped going to this music school after two years. My parents bought an organ and I taught myself. I learned how to play Minuet, and Canon when I was in sixth grade. I felt happy in letting my mom and dad listen to what I was playing for them. Years passed by, I lost interest in music. I got sulked by my addiction towards spending most of my time in the online world- customizing my profile in Facebook, watching shows on Youtube, stalking people in their social networking site. I no longer had interest in using my violin and the organ that I enjoyed playing with. And I regretted that. If only I hadn’t been so lazy and begged my parents to send me to school until my senior year in high school, I could have been the next Mozart or Beethoven. Nah, I kid. I could have honed my skill and still be a member of the Lasallian Youth Orchestra. I was a member back then. I auditioned and got accepted. I was a part of their strings team. But when I was exposed to their practice session, I knew that what they were playing was just too much for me. I knew that I couldn’t handle it even if I try. They were simply high-skilled. And I wasn’t experienced enough.

Now, I’m not even sure if I was best at any of the fields mentioned wherefore at all. I do have some talents and skills but when I compare myself to others, I’m not just that good enough. Now, who am I to boast around that I draw anime, and play the violin and piano really well? That’s why I like to keep things hidden to myself. Because I believe that I just do things averagely. I’m kind of disappointed in myself since I’d rather specialize in dancing, singing, acting, drawing, or playing instruments than do them averagely. If only I were consistent in pursuing my dream as an aspiring artist/musician, I would have the right to boast around and show off. But I didn’t. I got lost. Maybe, I should study music again. But I think it’s too late for me. I have other plans in life too. I want to be an artist but I just couldn’t bring myself into it anymore. Art has got me thinking.

End.

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