The Beast That’s Trapped For Centuries.

I’m not feeling well. I can’t explain it. Everything’s a blur right now. There’s one thing I’m sure of, though. This feeling. I’ve had it before. I feel guilty. And it’s gradually eating the inside of me. Devouring its prey. Making sure that I would succumb in despair. It’s starting to get malignant. I can feel my heart sinking. Terribly. I can’t breathe properly. I don’t know why. Moments ago, I didn’t care. I was feeling care free; I was full of bliss. Now, I remorse. And I’m sorry about it. Sincerely sorry. But I just couldn’t bring myself into stop thinking about what I did. It wasn’t that grave, yet it hurts.

Why do I even feel sick inside? It hurts to feel like this. And I don’t like this one bit. I hate it. I wish for it to stop haunting me. I really do. I just feel so down.

Help me wake up from this bad dream, then, and bring me back to reality. Make my unconscious conscious so that I can escape this life long pretense. The seal, so strong, so unbreakable, so powerful, is once again engulfing me, trapping my within. And it’s been recently victorious of locking me up in this jail cell. Reclaiming its throne. Proclaiming himself as king.  It breaks my heart to know that this seal is chronically concealing me ever since. The beast inside me whimpering in trepidation from the dangers of the unknown, the unfathomable.

How can I then make that seal vulnerable? I ask and wonder. Make sure I won’t have to hide from it again. Ever. And it is in this moment that I feel myself burst into tears.

P.S. I think I may be suffering from a bipolar disorder.
0Riao

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ASDF!

I know I should not take this too seriously because posting this would only make me even madder. Tomorrow’s the day for our alternative class on FINMAN2, FINSTAT, and FINMAT2. It would be held at JP Morgan at Bonifacio Global City. Instead of having a classroom discussion in school, we just have to go to this “convention/contest” regarding some Finance expo, and “support” our school.

I’ve told you before that one of my “friends” would ride a cab together with me as what he had told me two days before the actual competition. And guess what, he took what he said back. ASDF.

I was on my way to the Office of the University Registrar at school to issue my certificate, when I heard someone yelled my name.

“Liiiiiraaa!”, a familiar voice exclaimed. I was startled that I felt my heart raced.

“Uuuuy!” I shouted infront of everyone near the Accounting Office, placing my left hand on my chest. I was sort of sure that I drew some attention on the people around me, which was so embarrassing. I turned to follow the sound of the voice. It was Louis. I faced him.

He giggled at the sight of my reaction. Imagine yourself walking in peace when someone suddenly and unexpectingly shouted your name.

Kailangan daw ng Waiver para bukas. Punta ka?”, he asked immediately.

“Yup. Anong waiver?”, I retorted confusingly.

Kunin mo kay Jdmsixgwa, president ng Mafia“, I didn’t hear the name quite well. So I asked again.

Punta ka na lang dun sa booth namin“, You see, he was a Junior Officer of MaFIA.

Ay sige. Basta bukas 10:30 diba? South gate?“, I asked him just to remind him about what we talked about meeting up at school first and also to make sure that I’d have someone as a company.

He thought for a split second and responded with, “Actually, may kasama na ako, blah blah blah“. He kept on talking and continued. I ignored the things he said right after I heard him say ‘may kasama na ako‘. Wth? What about me? I wanted to kill him for that. Leaving me all alone to rot and get lost and die on trying to find my way to Global City. Just because he was a Junior Officer, that he was sort of important, that he has made a few friends, he’d left me behind. I was frantically flaring up inside but I tried to remain composed. We were supposed to go there together. He promised.

“K”, I don’t remember what I told him right after he said those alibis. I pretended to act as if it were okay.

I turned around and went to the Office of the University Registrar. I felt uneasy and I didn’t know if I should even go there considering the fact that, my last hope ditched me. He could have at least added me to his “friends” on the ride. Hindi na daw kasya eh. Apat na sila. Oh yeah, I asked him who they were. He said that they were Karen, Ludwig, etc. etc. Kahit isingit man lang ayaw? Or pwede rin namang idivide into 2 groups na lang. If there were, let’s say 6 of us, then make it 3 on 3. I suggested that to him. He only replied with “ewan ko lang”. Nakakainis. Sabihin mo lang kung yaw mo. Haha!

At the end of the day, he texted me this:

Kapag tinamad yung isa kong kasama, pwede ka ng sumabay… Sorry, Lira :(” Sorry sorry. Tse! Hahaha. NaGGG mode na naman ako sa kakatype ko nito. Thank you for making me as an alternative, a second option. User. ASDF! Men!

I really want to go. Not just because it’s an alternative class, not because it’s mandatory, not just for incentives on these 3 major courses I’m currently taking, but because I want to witness this finance expo myself, and have a grasp on what questions will be asked on the said competition and have an idea of the “real” world. I consider it like some kind of an investment that I will make for myself today for my future. The problem is, if I do go to school tomorrow and “hindi tinamad kasama niya“, eh pano na ako? Sayang pagpunta ko school, pamasahe, pera, sleep, rest. Kumbaga, in economics, yung opportunity cost, the next best foregone alternative if I go there. What a gentleman. What a friend.

I shouldn’t be dealing too much on this, but I got carried away. It’s bad for my health. Emotionally, that is.

‘You can let go now and forget about him’, I keep thinking to myself. ‘Remember, be positive’

oRiao

People Who Made My Day Yesterday

Special thanks to these people who made my day yesterday:

1. Lyka, my schoolmate in high school @ lib. Hope you pass your interview and get admitted. :))
2. Pearl, my classmate in ENGLCOM and fellow tutee in Ahead @ LS bldg. On my way to Yuch.
3. Leona, my MARKET1 groupmate @ LS bldg. On my way to LS110 for my HUMAART class
4. Random girl, who was my MARKET and ENGLRES classmate @ HUMAART class
5. Armicha, my LBYMFI2 classmate on my 3rd term @ class
6. Chubbits, my FINMAT1, INTFILO, and FINMAN1 classmate last term @ HUMAART class
7. Reyn, my ENGLRES partner @ class

Thanks a bunch. I think, this is what ‘participating’ is all about. I won’t go into details of the accounts that happened between each one of them and me. Except for the part on Reyn, Me, Armicha, and Chubbits during our HUMAART class. Hahaha. I introduced Reyn to these buddies of mine, and we instantly got close. I didn’t realize that the four of us were already so noisy until miss called our attention. I mean, we were only chatting. Anywho, the important thing to note here is that, they made me smile, and laugh, and happy yesterday. =)

8. Also, my sisters when I got back home. We ate at Teriyaki Boy and Serenitea. Nyahaha.

Yesterday, was one of the greatest day ever. I wish everyday would turn out like that.

oRiao

Negativity stinks. Try learning how to spell positivity. That helps.

Releasing negative emotional energies will lead to drastic results. It not only affects the person releasing them, but also the people around him. Anger, sadness, hate, dispute, fear, and pessimism are examples of negative emotional energies. Once a person releases any or a combination of these negative energies, the repercussions involved would be directed towards the person’s surroundings. Daily intake of these constant negativity exposed by such persons would modify the affected person’s perception of life. Some of these are difficult to release. So if you know someone who’s always in a bad mood or with anger management issues, I suggest that you stay away from them as much as possible. However, in some cases in which you and that person lives under the same roof, the best thing to do is to simply ignore them because in the end, it would be their loss. Sometimes, it kills people when you ignore them anyway. And besides, you had nothing to do with it in the first place. If you give in and try to counterattack his negative energy with yours, then applying Newton’s Law: Like Charges Repel, there would be a repulsion. Both of you intoxicating one another with negative vibes, both of you at a loss. Instead, do the opposite. Let your positivity surge within them and contain them. And let him have experience the the perks of living life positively.

-ria

I Want to Break Free.

It’s time to break the shell that has been encaging me throughout the years, release the invisible clutches around me and hence, feel what it is like to be free, unleashe the inner beast that has been perturbing inside me, intermittently trying to lurk its way out, and at last, be who I am for what I am. Tomorrow, I will participate, smile, and make friends. I want to love and not hate. I simply want to break free.

Just a quick, random post.

Dear Diary,

Remember the time when I told you that I was aiming for a 4.0 in Finman1? Well, yes. I did got a 4.0.  And another 4.0 in Intfilo. I also belonged to the Second Honors Dean’s Lister this time.  I got a GPA of 3.25 this term. I’ve gotten so grade conscious now. I was sort of happy and satisfied with that. But I longed for more actually. Because I knew that if only I had tried harder and exerted more effort, I think I could have been a First honor dean’s lister. Huhu! I only needed a 0.2% in the averaging. If only I got a 3.5 in finmat, things would have gotten better. I’m still waiting for next Wednesday so that I could issue a certificate for qualifying in Dean’s List.

I told my family about it but they wouldn’t believe me. I knew I should have waited until I got my certificate as proof that I really was a DL. But oh well. I told them in a joking manner anyway. I got them baffled. Hahaha!

Recently, like for this term, I’ve lost interest into studying again. I remember last term that I’d have sleepless nights reading articles and preparing for finals. But now, all I do is just surf the net. And I don’t know why. And this makes me mad. Maybe because, I have the worst sched ever, or maybe because of the profs, or maybe the combination of my subjects this term. I really don’t know. I’m taking up three floating courses right now and I didn’t follow what was written in our flow chart. I just took Tretwo(Ethics and Morality), Humaart(Arts), and Humalit(Literature). I replaced my Oblicon(Obligations and Contracts) and Kaspil2(Rizal).  Maybe because I feel no pressure this time regarding these subjects. I was confident when I enrolled these subjects that I would get a higher GPA. But I don’t think so. I’m not that sure anymore. I got terror profs and that’s the worst. Feeling major kumbaga. Hay naku… :(( I don’t know what I’m writing about. Forgive me if I make no sense anymore. This is so sabog. Lol. I needed a new inspiration.

Fortunately, one of my friends in Facebook posted his grades for first term. He’s a frosh. I’m one of his seniors, but only a year higher tho. And I was inspired again.

I’ll hide his name for privacy matters. :))

I want my grades to be like his. I want a 4.0 in every subject! Hahaha. But I know that dreams are dreams. So dream on, Ria. Dream on.

I think he’s a gifted child. Brains like that of Einstein. Kidding. :)) He passed all of the entrance test in the top 4 universities. I don’t know why he chose La Salle. I think he was contemplating on whether he’d take up a Business course or a pre-med one because he passed BS-MGT-H in Ateneo, and BS-PSY in UP, and Pharmacy in UST. Why La Salle? Anyways, he’s also a pianist, a violinist, and an artist. I’m really envious of him right now. My friends say that I’m such a stalker haha. I’ll live up to that. :))

I’m inspired again. Yay! But not 100 percent. I miss agno, and spice, and snob. HAHAHA. Grabe! Nakakahiya na. Andami kasi. :)) I miss having an inspiration hahaha. Last term, I had an inspiration for every subject. Mentioned before on one of my recent entries, one was a consistent DL. :))

P.S. There was this guy on LRT2 when I was on my way back home. I was reading The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini when I smelled a paputok, an explosion, if you know what I mean. I sniffed and sniffed so that I can find the culprit. Judging from the uniform he was wearing, he was from ____. I won’t mention the name of the school anymore. I don’t want to expose the ‘scandal’ over here.  He smelled really bad. HUHU! I know it was him because everytime he fans himself, the combination of his perfume and body odor would explode. What’s worse was that, the direction of the air current was directed towards me. So I stopped reading because the scent was stinging my eyes and my nose. :))

P.P.S. I’m posting a lot of random stuff here. Bare with me. It’s okay since I know I don’t have that much of a massive amount of readers. HAHAHA! Okielangyan. Bahala na.

Ciao! I have so many academics works to do tonight. Also, I have to finish Clannad After Story, Another, and GoSick. And read The Kite Runner. And play Harvest Moon. Over the weekend. And watch some Finance expo/contest on Friday in J.P. Morgan Chase in Taguig. I don’t even know how I’d get there. But my blockmate promised me that we would go there together.  We’d meet up at school. Nyahahaha~ Funny because we both don’t know how to get there. The nearest MRT station was Buendia Station. After that, I don’t know what to do. My sister said that we should take a bus or a taxi. He should know how to drive a car already. Hahaha! I’m dead meat when he finds out that I’m blogging about him. Ayaw mo nun? Na feature ka pa sa blog kong bulok! :)) And no. Heck no. Yaks! We don’t have any intimate feelings with one another. Kaderder. :)) We’re just friends. Hay naku! 

Bye na talaga! :P :))))

oRiao

My Life and Art.

When I was a kid, I used to be a batang bibo. I would perform infront of any one, infront of any crowd. Ask me to dance, I would dance without any hesitation. Ask me to sing, I would. But when I became a teen, I officially became a wallflower. I used to be a performer but not anymore. I lacked confidence and became self-conscious that I needed now. I tried auditioning for the Harlequin Theater Guild last term and managed to survive their two day workshop, but when the auditions came, I backed out. And that was that. I knew I was an introvert and I didn’t like hanging out in groups. I was socially awkward and I just couldn’t see myself performing infront of everyone in which everybody would stare at me. I wasn’t a performer that I used to be when I was a kid. I realized that I was an artist, and not a dancer. I was a musician, and not a singer.

I was an artist in a sense that I loved drawing and painting. I remember one time when I have become so engrossed into drawing anime characters during my sophomore and junior years in high school that I spent more time drawing them than studying. And it was at that time that I got my first ever line of seven in one of our subjects in my life. It was Chinese. I was so upset that I cried. My mom reprimanded me. She told me things about how it was so hard to earn money so as to send us to a good school. So, I got into reading and studying again. Consequently, I belonged to the class honors. After that, I got contented and felt that I needed to chill and relax and just enjoy life. Instead of doing my homeworks and reviewing for my quizzes, I drew and drew my favorite anime characters every day when I got home. I gave most of them to my friends because they kept on requesting drawings from me. I heeded. And somehow, I got used into having a grade below 80%. I think my passion for drawing has been influenced by my artistic elder sister. When I was seven, I would spend most of my time bonding with my sister and my cousins drawing Pokemon in my sister’s room. I remember comparing my work to my cousins’. I had a better output, I thought. I sort of knew at that time that I somehow have a talent in drawing.  I realized that drawing was what makes me happy. I would have taken architecture as my course or animation or anything related to that using my hands but my mom chose my course for me. She wanted me to be a financial analyst in the future. Since I knew she knew what was best for me. She thought that I would have no future if ever I take architecture. Maybe she was right. Maybe she wasn’t. But right now, I’m beginning to love studying finance considering the fact that I’m also a math person. I’m still contemplating whether I should take up a course related to arts after I graduate with a business degree in college. Perhaps, painting, or filming, or animation would be nice. It was what I was passionate about in my formative years in high school, after all.

I have also been exposed to music when I was ten years old. I was enrolled in a piano and violin class together with my sisters. I was really happy. I remember the first day I learned reading notes, I began playing the piano of my teacher myself. I announced this to my mom after class that I could play the National Anthem. I showed my mom. My teacher knew that I was a fast learner. I always practiced what I learned in school when I got back home. My dad was proud of me, I could tell because he let me play songs for him on Sundays while he rested in his rocking chair in our living room. We stopped going to this music school after two years. My parents bought an organ and I taught myself. I learned how to play Minuet, and Canon when I was in sixth grade. I felt happy in letting my mom and dad listen to what I was playing for them. Years passed by, I lost interest in music. I got sulked by my addiction towards spending most of my time in the online world- customizing my profile in Facebook, watching shows on Youtube, stalking people in their social networking site. I no longer had interest in using my violin and the organ that I enjoyed playing with. And I regretted that. If only I hadn’t been so lazy and begged my parents to send me to school until my senior year in high school, I could have been the next Mozart or Beethoven. Nah, I kid. I could have honed my skill and still be a member of the Lasallian Youth Orchestra. I was a member back then. I auditioned and got accepted. I was a part of their strings team. But when I was exposed to their practice session, I knew that what they were playing was just too much for me. I knew that I couldn’t handle it even if I try. They were simply high-skilled. And I wasn’t experienced enough.

Now, I’m not even sure if I was best at any of the fields mentioned wherefore at all. I do have some talents and skills but when I compare myself to others, I’m not just that good enough. Now, who am I to boast around that I draw anime, and play the violin and piano really well? That’s why I like to keep things hidden to myself. Because I believe that I just do things averagely. I’m kind of disappointed in myself since I’d rather specialize in dancing, singing, acting, drawing, or playing instruments than do them averagely. If only I were consistent in pursuing my dream as an aspiring artist/musician, I would have the right to boast around and show off. But I didn’t. I got lost. Maybe, I should study music again. But I think it’s too late for me. I have other plans in life too. I want to be an artist but I just couldn’t bring myself into it anymore. Art has got me thinking.

End.